such a disheartening Sat

I'm starting this entry with a big SIGH :(
supposedly, class ends at 3pm and i'll meet bf to go and meet kevin & gang for harry potter & dinner @ bugis. its not that all these didn't happened..but i wasn't feeling any joy in it at all.
all in all, it seems that being understanding, patient and nice is insuffient. so it means that there is nothing much i can do anymore. and there is no point for me to do so..since its not helping at all. perhaps what u had wanted is someone who is able to heed everything you say, agree with you, follow you and do whatever you want her to do. since i'm so good and being the kind of person that ppl wanted me to be, this should come pretty easy ? no its not. especially to you.
i just feel extremely disheartened. and the worse part is that i can't find any faults in what i had done when i recall back again. if only that its me who had did something wrong, i'll feel better. i wasn't expecting anything but just a smooth and pleasant sat and yet its screwed again. back to square one.



last night, i dreamt that the bastard hit me again and i used a penknife (the one that i had kept near to me in my room, for self-defence. the one that i hold on tightly to when i am in my room just in case someone charges in.) and cut his thigh 3 times, leaving deep wounds. seriously, 99% of me hope that its true. first of all, i'm finally brave to retaliate. second, i managed to do some damage to him which i failed to do so the previous time cause i'm definitely weaker physically. but its only a dream. i feel that i'm scary at times too..cause i will imagine scences whereby it happens at times and i'll think of how am i going to fight back and defend myself. apparently, no one will defend for me and so i have to prepare for the worse.