screamssssssssssssssss....i woke up at 6+ ! ! ! SO EARLY ! ! !

i am thinking and imaging too much again! ARGHXXXXXXXXXXXX.

knock me down so that i can go bed to sleep, THANK YOU. because there are 5 PROJECTS to be done.

it feels so terrible to keep repeating the same old thing in my mind..
the process, procedures of what i want to say when that happens..
it rehearse and rehearse..in my mind.
to the extend that i really get angry when i thought about it till i cry.

the same phrase over & over again..when i woke up, i wonder if i would really do and say all that what the time comes.
this time, i am standing infront of everyone, speaking in english where almost all of them don't understand..talking sense to them, let them know how i feel, make them feel bad about it.

now i can't differentiate if i am dreaming or its my imagination. SCARY.
i pant and feel so suffocated when i get up.

i am happy that no one is at home but
i don't know why i get angry when they are not coming home for 2 nights.
see, i don't even understand myself
perhaps i just feel being abandon.

YYYYYYyyyyYYYY
always the one that got dumped.
and being bullied.

-AhHHhHHH-

i want to say things in anger and say things that are not right here. cause i can't say right in their face. i know its wrong and i shouldn't.

there is no r/ship between us, $ is the fact that links us. you throw 50bucks every week on the table and i'll pay you back 10 times soon. by then, u stay alone urself in your 'holy' house and wait for your bloody useless so called 'king' to take care of u.
u had chose him over me by defending him at that point of time. wrong choice, i'll let you know.
you think ur soon 20 yr-old girl doesn't know how to read a bill, don't understand english and she is deaf. she explained the letter in detail, word by word such that u understand..and right after that u asked somebody to explained to you again, thinking that she don't know anything. even a little kid know that gossiping at the back need to be done discretely. and u go so loud that i can hear it behind the doors.
u said to off the lights when i'm nt using it to cut down on utilitiy bills and yet you guys switch it on the whole night because of that lousy reason again. if i were to off it, i know i will get reprimanded outside of my door again.
u had wanted her to have good prospects in the future, earn big bucks... but u didn't nurture her and as if just throw her in the wild, and she can only copy and do what others are doing. lucky her that she met ppl of good model if not are you going to be responsible ?
it not shocking even to ask you to kneel before this ppl and say thank you to them or serve them tea, i'm not kidding. for, she might gone astray...be like that jerk, have lots of principals calling u, have police calling u or coming up. worst still, other parents would have come and knock at the door, scold u and demand for damages done to their kids.
i'm not being not sensible here. i am making sense.
u know what does 'don't wear such a big hat when your head is not that big' means.
if its voluntary work, shut up and don't complain. if u can't afford, don't afford.
i believe that having a religion is because you believe in it.
i don't understand because it doesn't makes sense. can a christian be a buddhist as well ?
if ur ans is a yes then i will have nothing to say. what the hell is this....
u guys make me feel scary..all into it. its like all of u are becoming aliens and i am the only human being left.
i wanted to ask if u all have a married cert but i don't dare to ask. because i doesn't want to hurt u and its like so none of ur biz to them. no one ever think that i wondered b4 and no explaination yet. i feel so absurd.
i hate not having pure water to drink at home. its like u can't find a clean one ?
u had biscuits at home cause there is nothing to eat. but u get scolded cause u din had proper meal....(understand) but u also get scolded for not eating it. so what do u want ? y she say she don't want, you bought it and she don't eat it, she get scolded too.
i didn't go anything, i din talk back, argue back. i stay in my room. i let her go, do what she wants, scold like hell she like. the next day she could even complain to her husband. bitch.
its very wordy, i am just venting my anger. sorry.